Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (08, Steven Spielberg)

Let's face it first and foremost: at this point, a new Indiana Jones movie is beyond pointless. They wrapped up the series with the heroes becoming immortals and riding off into the sunset. There, period point blank. The idea for this sequel is nothing new, and I think the sheer amount of time preparing for the film to be shot is the most baffling thing about this new film. After a few dozen screenplays passed through the hands of Lucas, Spielberg, and Harrison Ford, this is the one they came to accords on? The one that has a character swinging on a vine with monkeys? The one that somehow managed to lose the guy sitting next to me despite the fact that the characters update us on exactly where the narrative's going (at one point, Harrison, Karen Allen, and Shia LeBeouf hold a conversation that goes, "What do we do next?" "Well, we have to find the skull and get to the city before" etc. etc.). It's not that the story's inherently bad or anything, but it's all done so cheaply without regard to the past entries in the series (so, wait, they weren't granted immortality from the grail? How did it revive Sean Connery again?). Sure, the idea of having Indiana Jones reel off old man monologues is hilarious, but how the heck does that match up with him getting tossed into a speeding truck without any kind of injury or reaction? If that muscular bald Nazi dude from Raiders was in this film, he could throw Indiana down a cliff like the end of "Bart the Daredevil" without the kind of injuries that humanized the character so well in previous entries. Karen Allen is beyond worthless in this film, taking a strong woman role and turning it into a pandering tagalong who desperately needs a husband. The fact that Shia LeBeouf's greaser character and John Hurt's mumbling become the best character assets the film has probably says something about the quality of this sequel. Furthermore, what is it with Hollywood big budgeters grabbing the best actors in the business and not letting them do any acting? The Batman franchise has Christian Bale and Gary Oldman and makes them walk through the motions of a Saturday morning cartoon voice gig, but even that seems somehow gracious when you see Hurt and Ray Winstone in this thing. Sure, Cate Blanchett's having a great time, but when there's nothing to go along with an amusing character like threat or plot placement, etc., it's really a moot point. Spielberg's direction consists mostly of following Lucas into CG absurdities, but that aside, he clearly has some fun with the thing, whatever merit that contains is still eluding me. Don't get me wrong. If you can take this kind of thing for what it is, you can have an okay time with it. Then again, the presentation of that attitude in an attempt to pass off lazy scripts and idiotic films is what's taken us from the the golden age of mainstream filmmaking of the 1980's that the originals came from and into the world of comic book movies, Adam Sandler comedies, and Sex and the City flicks for our mainstream fare. Think of the children. ** and 1/2 * out've *****